Tantrums Decoded: A Proven 5-Step Guide to Managing Meltdowns Backed by Research
- Myron Tay
- Jun 23
- 7 min read
Updated: Sep 17
It’s a familiar scene: your child is on the floor, tears flowing, face red, and screams echoing through the mall. You feel the stares of strangers, your own anxiety rising, and uncertainty about how best to handle the situation. Tantrums are stressful, but they are also entirely normal. Parents often ask me about the difficulties with early childhood, and my honest response is always the same: raising children well doesn’t require rocket science, what it really takes is consistency, and this is especially important during tantrums.
Why Do Tantrums Happen?
Tantrums typically occur around ages 1–4 because young children are still developing key emotional and linguistic skills. They’re learning to understand feelings, why they arise, and how to cope. But emotional regulation typically matures around ages 5–7. Their underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, which manages impulses and frustration control, makes it difficult to stay calm when upset.
5 Research-backed Steps for Handling Tantrums
1. Stay Calm
Tantrums trigger adult stress responses too. But research shows your ability to stay calm is contagious.
According to co-regulation theory (Siegel & Bryson, 2011), children learn to calm down not by being told to “calm down,” but by being near someone who already is. When a child is overwhelmed (crying, shouting, or kicking) they’re in a state of dysregulation, meaning their body and brain are flooded with stress signals.
But if a trusted adult stays calm and steady, their nervous system acts like a “regulation anchor.” The child’s brain begins to pick up on those calming signals (like breathing patterns, tone of voice, and body posture) and gradually downregulates, or returns to a calmer state. It's like borrowing your calm until they can find their own.
Dr. Dan Siegel uses a simple but powerful analogy called the “upstairs/downstairs brain” to explain how children’s brains work during emotional outbursts. The “downstairs brain” refers to the limbic system; this is the emotional centre that controls instinctive reactions like hitting, yelling, or running away (the classic fight-or-flight response). It’s fast and reactive, but not rational.
The “upstairs brain”, on the other hand, refers to the prefrontal cortex: The part responsible for thinking things through, making decisions, and using self-control. Here’s the catch: toddlers’ upstairs brains are still under construction. During a tantrum, their downstairs brain takes over completely.
That’s why they need you - the adult with a fully built upstairs brain, to help them stabilise. When you stay calm and connected, you model how to return to balance. You're essentially lending your logic until theirs comes back online.
👨🏫 Your calm is the child’s anchor. You don’t need to fix the feeling, just ride it with them.
2. Validate the Emotion, Not the Behaviour
Labelling and empathising with the child’s emotional state supports emotional intelligence and reduces escalation.
Studies (like Denham et al., 2003) show that when adults help children identify and name their emotions, for example, saying “You’re feeling frustrated because your tower fell over”, it actually strengthens their brain’s ability to manage those emotions over time.
This skill is called self-regulation: The ability to pause, think, and choose a response instead of reacting on impulse. It’s one of the most important foundations for handling stress, getting along with others, and learning in school.
It also builds empathy - the ability to recognise and understand other people’s feelings. When children get used to putting words to their own emotions, they become better at noticing emotions in others too.
The concept of emotion coaching (developed by Gottman and colleagues 1996), is all about how we respond to our children’s emotions, especially the tough ones.
Rather than brushing off a meltdown or scolding a sulky mood, emotion coaching means tuning in and naming what’s going on underneath:
Even when a child is misbehaving, acknowledging the feeling (without excusing the behaviour) helps them feel seen and safe. Over time, children who experience this kind of emotional support are shown to develop greater resilience. It gives them the ability to bounce back from stress or disappointment, and show fewer behavioural issues overall.
It’s not about being soft; it’s about showing your child: “All feelings are welcome here, even the messy ones, but we still have limits on what we do with them.”
👨🏫 Say: “You’re really upset because you wanted the blue cup. That’s hard.”
3. Hold the Boundary Firmly
It’s crucial not to give in to demands just to stop the tantrum, or the behaviour may be reinforced.
Consistency really is key when it comes to managing behaviour. A large review of studies (Morawska & Sanders, 2006) found that when adults set clear, firm boundaries (but do so with warmth and care) tantrums tend to happen less often over time.
This kind of parenting isn’t harsh or permissive. It’s a calm middle ground: “I understand you're upset, but hitting isn’t okay.”
Children thrive when the rules are predictable and delivered with kindness. It helps them learn what's expected without feeling shamed or punished. Over time, that consistency builds trust, emotional safety, and fewer power struggles.
Even when children don’t like the limits we set, having those boundaries in place actually helps them feel more secure.
When rules and responses are predictable and kind (like always saying “no snacks before dinner” without yelling or giving in) kids know where the edges are. That sense of structure feels safe to them, especially in emotionally charged moments.
👨🏫 Say: “It’s okay to be mad. But it’s still not time for more TV.”
4. Allow Space for the Tantrum to Run Its Course
A tantrum is a stress response, not a calculated power move.
Neurobiology research tells us that tantrums aren’t random, they tend to follow a wave-like pattern in the body. The child’s nervous system ramps up in intensity, peaks, and then naturally starts to come back down.
But here’s the catch: if an adult tries to shut the tantrum down too quickly by scolding, distracting, or demanding calm, it can interrupt that natural arc and actually make the meltdown last longer. The child might feel misunderstood, unsafe, or even more overwhelmed, which keeps the stress response stuck in high gear.
If your child isn’t hurting themselves or others, the best thing you can do during a tantrum is to stay next to them. You don’t need to talk them out of it or fix the feeling. Just your steady presence tells their brain: “You’re not alone. This feeling won’t last forever.”
Research shows that this kind of quiet co-regulation actually helps the child’s body return to calm faster than if we scold, ignore, or try to shut the behaviour down.
Even a gentle acknowledgment like “You’re having such a big feeling right now”, can be enough. It shows your child you see them, without fueling the storm.
👨🏫 In meltdown moments, connection calms more than correction.
5. Debrief Later (Not During)
Once the child is calm, revisit what happened using simple language to build reflective skills.
This approach lines up with constructivist learning models, which suggest that children build understanding best when they’re calm, curious, and emotionally settled.
In other words, when a child is in the middle of a meltdown, they’re not in a good place to learn anything new, especially not about behaviour or consequences. But once they’re calm, their brain is more open and able to reflect, process, and make sense of what just happened.
Once your child is calm and connected again, that’s your teaching window. It’s a chance to gently revisit what happened and help them build better tools for next time.
Try asking: “Next time you feel mad, what can you do instead of hitting?”
This turns the moment into a learning conversation, not a lecture. You're helping them reflect, problem-solve, and strengthen that all-important self-regulation muscle, without shame or blame.
👨🏫 These quiet follow-ups are where the real growth happens.
Summary
The best approach is not about “stopping” tantrums, but staying connected through them. Toddlers aren’t trying to be difficult, they’re still learning how to handle overwhelming emotions. Showing up with calm, empathy, and firm limits builds trust, regulation, and long-term resilience.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q: My child is throwing a huge tantrum in a public area, and I want it to stop quickly because we're disturbing others. What should I do?
A: In public spaces, swiftly move your child to a quieter area if possible, staying calm and composed. Speak gently to soothe them, but remain firm. Often, simply removing your child from the overstimulating environment can significantly shorten the tantrum.
Q: My child is used to me giving in to tantrums. How can I reverse this?
A: Reversing this pattern requires consistency and patience. Clearly communicate expectations and calmly maintain boundaries despite their increased protest initially. Over time, your child will learn tantrums no longer achieve their desired outcome, and tantrums will gradually decrease.
Q: Can I just ignore them when they throw a tantrum?
A: Please do not. While it’s wise not to reward the tantrum with excessive attention or negotiation, ignoring your child can feel like emotional abandonment, especially during overwhelming moments when they most need to feel safe. Instead, stay calmly present. You might sit nearby, offer a gentle comment like, “I’m here when you’re ready,” or simply model steady breathing.
Q: Why does my child only have tantrums with me and not others?
A: It’s frustrating, but actually a sign of healthy attachment. Children tend to “save” their biggest emotions for the person they trust most: usually the primary caregiver. That emotional safety gives them permission to let down their guard and release what they've been holding in all day. This doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Quite the opposite - it means you’ve created a secure enough space for them to be fully themselves, meltdowns and all. Of course, it’s still okay to set firm, kind boundaries around how those feelings are expressed. Keep in mind: They’re not giving you a hard time; they’re having a hard time, with the one person they trust to help them through it.
